Here's a first look at my unpublished (copyrighted) novel, Animal Cracker. If you like it, I'd be thrilled with a comment here and/or a retweet. Thanks and enjoy! And if you're not already, please follow me on Twitter.
Chapter One
I was sitting in my new boss’s office at the Animal Protection Agency, a twelve-site animal shelter organization, for our weekly supervisory meeting, surrounded by the entire contents of the Critter World catalogue. Pens shaped like goldfish littered his desk; a collection of mugs featuring a zoo’s worth of animals awaited their morning coffee on his credenza.
“So tell me, Diane, what are your dreams? For your life I mean.”
Hal leaned back in his chair and folded his arms behind his head.
I was twenty-five years old. I had more dreams than Don Quixote – yes, I was an English major - including saving every sad-eyed pup, paying off my student loans without selling my soul, and cuddling with a man-shaped specimen of the human species. I wasn’t about to confess any of this to my new boss.
“Well, I…”
“Diane, my dream is for a world that has respect for every living creature, from the lowliest field mouse to the majestic elk on the plain.” He paused, knitting his eyebrows. “No, wait, not respect. Make that reverence. Yeah, reverence for all God’s creatures. What do you say to that, Diane?”
“Hal, that’s a dream I can really get behind.”
“I knew we shared a vision the minute I met you. You have a passion and intelligence that fits right in here.”
So far, I was killing it.
“Now, about this press release,” he said, pointing to the document I’d handed him. “You need to blump it up.”
Blump? I made a mental note to google it later. Conjectured definition - to expand upon. Origin: from the Latin blumpere, to swell.
As he smiled like Mr. Universe, the sound of dogs barked from Hal’s well-tailored pocket. He reached in and withdrew his phone. I could hear squawking, then Hal.
“Joyce, we already discussed this, and I told you….”
More squawking, Hal drumming his hands on the table. After some eye-rolling and sputtering, he hung up.
“My wife. She’s a Harvard professor, a biologist who’s written extensively about the role of animals in our ecosystems. You may have heard of her. Joyce Carter?”
Hal was married to Joyce Carter? The Spider Woman?
Joyce Carter had been an obscure zoology professor specializing in arachnids of the American Southwest when she’d been tapped to host a public television show called Creepy- Crawlies and Friends. Boston’s Saturday morning TV screens are slithering with spiders and Joyce Carter.
“She’s a very impressive woman,” I kissed up.
“Got that right.” He leaned towards me. “I respect women, Diane. And I like to see them reach their highest potential.”
He paused. “You know, I’m a writer too.” His chest blumped up.
“You mean like articles on animal rights?”
“No, something else entirely. I’m working on a screenplay. Lots of folks gonna be mighty uncomfortable when this baby gets out there.”
He was gonna blow the lid off the animal shelter world?
“What’s it about?”
Again, he leaned forward and in a mock stage whisper informed me, “It’s about some evil goings-on at that famous university in town. I can’t tell you any more than that, except that those hoity snot-noses over there ain’t gonna like it. Not one bit.”
Hal’s face was nearly flawless, piercing blue eyes, firm chin, all topped by wavy dark hair and arranged in perfect symmetry save for the lines etched up and down and across his forehead in a sort of plaid pattern. He wore his love of animals on his sleeve and around his neck. That day’s tie, setting off his Brad Pitt-handsome face, featured raccoons scampering under a cascading waterfall, frolicking on an umbrella-decked beach, and, I’m not making this up, lobbing tennis balls, dressed in the formal whites of Wimbledon.
“I studied film in college,” I told him. “I mean, not how to make them, but I took a course on contemporary European cinema, and I go to movies all the time.”
Hal stared over my head and I almost turned around to see what creature he might have spied behind me. When he resumed speaking, his voiced had shifted into a sonorous tone, as if he were narrating a PBS wildlife special.
“My personal favorite is “The 400 Blows.” That kid’s bleak childhood, well, um, let’s just say, the movie speaks to me in a very profound way.”
He wiped his eye, and I feared my new boss, whom I hardly knew, would erupt into full-fledged waterworks.
“Oh my God, that’s one of my absolute favorites too. Well, everything Truffaut actually.”
“I’m all for cinematic technique and what not, but y’know, there’s nothing like a good story. Sometimes it can even change your life.” His eyes misted.
“And I’m guessing there’s one that changed yours?”
“Got that right. Late 50’s, Saturday afternoon when the movies cost about a buck.”
“So what was the movie?”
“The movie was none other than” – pregnant pause - “’Old Yeller.’”
“For some reason, I missed that one.”
“Diane, it is just about the most pungent movie ever made.” Did he mean poignant? “It’s about a family and a dog that heals their hearts. You go out and rent it and, guaranteed, you’ll see what I mean. ‘Old Yeller’ is why I’m sitting in this chair today.”
“Well, Hal, I have a movie like that in my background, too. Did you ever see ‘Homeward Bound?’”
He nodded.
“Yeah, “Homeward Bound,” you’re right, that’s another great one.”
He looked at his watch, and, for emphasis, at the chimp clock over the door. I took the hint.
“See you later,” I said, and returned to my office.
Back at my desk to work on the blump-up, having ascertained that there was no such word. So what exactly did he want? Longer? Bouncier? More hyperbolic? I rested my head on my desk for five minutes in an effort to psych myself for the task of turning perfect prose into something possibly less perfect.
And finally, after blumping and plumping, time to go. It had been a tough afternoon. I'd given Hal four versions of the release, each one of them progressively worse, until he'd proclaimed the fifth semi-literate one perfect.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Spanish dinner recipes - and more!
I'm now on Twitter. Check me out
And starting with the "more" - I have sent out 33 query letters to literary agents, received only six rejections, and a whopping SEVEN requests for either a full or partial manuscript. So I still have 20 left to hear from him. Crossing fingers and toes.
While I wait, tonight I'm having my annual Spanish dinner party,trying to duplicate fantastic meals I enjoyed in Spain. Here you go. Don't forget the Sangria!
Salmorejo (world's best cold soup)
(serves 4 to 6)
2 lbs. red, ripe, meaty, juicy tomatoes
3 cups cubed stale crustless bread
1 large garlic clove
coarse salt
pinch of sugar
1/3 cup cubed green or red pepper
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tsps aged sherry wine vinegar
salt and pepper
Optional: 1/3 cup thin slivered ham, preferably Serrano and 2 hard-cooked egg whites, finely sliced
1. One at a time, pierce stem of tomato with long fork and hold over high flame to char all over till skin blisters, or sear in dry cast-iron skillet. Cool, then peel, scoop out water seeds and strain over a bowl to collect juices. Discard seeds and cut up tomatoes.
2. In large bowl, mix tomatoes with bread and let stand at least 20 minutes.
3. Crush garlic to paste with 1 tsp coarse salt. Add tomatoes and bread, sugar and bell pepper to food processor. With machine on, add olive oil to form thick soup. Soup must be thick and smooth, add water if you like. Add vinegar. puree again until foamy, about 2 minutes. Return to bowl,cover, refrigerate at least 12 hours.
3. If you wish, garnish with ham and egg whites. Serve cold.
Spanish Tortilla
5 big potatoes
5 eggs
oil
onion
Spinach or broad beans, optional
Fresh herbs (thyme,basil, dill, whichever you prefer)
1. Chop onions finely.
2. Peel and slice potatoes thinly and unevenly.
3. Heat oil to hot, add potatoes, onions, and salt to pan and cover pan. Stir occasionally till soft.
4. Add salt and herbs to eggs, beat lightly.
5. Add potato and onion mixture to eggs.
6. Put more oil in pan. Mix everything well, add more salt and return to pan. Cook till firm, then turn over onto plate and slide tortilla back into pan. Cook till done.
Hint: To ensure that tortilla doesn't fall apart when you turn it onto the plate, be sure to use lots of oil and loosen the bottom with a spatula, making sure it's pretty firm.
And starting with the "more" - I have sent out 33 query letters to literary agents, received only six rejections, and a whopping SEVEN requests for either a full or partial manuscript. So I still have 20 left to hear from him. Crossing fingers and toes.
While I wait, tonight I'm having my annual Spanish dinner party,trying to duplicate fantastic meals I enjoyed in Spain. Here you go. Don't forget the Sangria!
Salmorejo (world's best cold soup)
(serves 4 to 6)
2 lbs. red, ripe, meaty, juicy tomatoes
3 cups cubed stale crustless bread
1 large garlic clove
coarse salt
pinch of sugar
1/3 cup cubed green or red pepper
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tsps aged sherry wine vinegar
salt and pepper
Optional: 1/3 cup thin slivered ham, preferably Serrano and 2 hard-cooked egg whites, finely sliced
1. One at a time, pierce stem of tomato with long fork and hold over high flame to char all over till skin blisters, or sear in dry cast-iron skillet. Cool, then peel, scoop out water seeds and strain over a bowl to collect juices. Discard seeds and cut up tomatoes.
2. In large bowl, mix tomatoes with bread and let stand at least 20 minutes.
3. Crush garlic to paste with 1 tsp coarse salt. Add tomatoes and bread, sugar and bell pepper to food processor. With machine on, add olive oil to form thick soup. Soup must be thick and smooth, add water if you like. Add vinegar. puree again until foamy, about 2 minutes. Return to bowl,cover, refrigerate at least 12 hours.
3. If you wish, garnish with ham and egg whites. Serve cold.
Spanish Tortilla
5 big potatoes
5 eggs
oil
onion
Spinach or broad beans, optional
Fresh herbs (thyme,basil, dill, whichever you prefer)
1. Chop onions finely.
2. Peel and slice potatoes thinly and unevenly.
3. Heat oil to hot, add potatoes, onions, and salt to pan and cover pan. Stir occasionally till soft.
4. Add salt and herbs to eggs, beat lightly.
5. Add potato and onion mixture to eggs.
6. Put more oil in pan. Mix everything well, add more salt and return to pan. Cook till firm, then turn over onto plate and slide tortilla back into pan. Cook till done.
Hint: To ensure that tortilla doesn't fall apart when you turn it onto the plate, be sure to use lots of oil and loosen the bottom with a spatula, making sure it's pretty firm.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Fifty Shades of Cliche
Succumbed to the hype and lost a few IQ points reading Book One of Fifty Shades.
Awful writing + glorification of an abusive relationship = trash. Fifty Shades is a spicier version of a good old Harlequin Romance, with all the tropes of the genre: sweet young woman falls for gorgeous, super-rich, arrogant man with a tragic past, boo hoo. She tames him and turns him into a better person. When Fifty Shades got to the backstory that explained why Christian was so messed up - his birth mother was a crack whore - I laughed out loud. Of course she was a crack whore!
I loved the Amazon reviewer who hypothesized that the book had been dreamt up by a couple of teenage girls. But what disturbs me about this book is that such a piece of garbage is being read and analyzed by some pretty smart women as if Christian Grey were a literary construct worthy of discussion. I CAN'T STAND IT. How can they not see that he - and this book - have less depth than a comic book? (Jughead's character flaws would be more interesting.)
Most disturbing - the abuse factor. Who cares what people do in the bedroom - it's no one's business. But his controlling her life, limiting her contact with friends and family, are the hallmarks of batterers. And her acquiescence in that kind of relationship - which is meant to be "hot" - is typical of abused women. I wonder how real women who have suffered mistreatment at the hands of a partner find this book. Not so sexy, I'm guessing.
And here's my least favorite passage: "It's (the domination and hitting) right for Christian. It's what he wants, and ...after all he's done (bought her a car and first class airfare) I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs."
Whoa! We should put up with men controlling and hitting us as long as they buy us expensive gifts??? What the hell year is this? Gloria Steinem, speak up about this piece of crap book. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On every dimension - artistic, political, psychological - this book is offensive, misogynistic junk, and I wish people would recognize that and shut up about it already!
Awful writing + glorification of an abusive relationship = trash. Fifty Shades is a spicier version of a good old Harlequin Romance, with all the tropes of the genre: sweet young woman falls for gorgeous, super-rich, arrogant man with a tragic past, boo hoo. She tames him and turns him into a better person. When Fifty Shades got to the backstory that explained why Christian was so messed up - his birth mother was a crack whore - I laughed out loud. Of course she was a crack whore!
I loved the Amazon reviewer who hypothesized that the book had been dreamt up by a couple of teenage girls. But what disturbs me about this book is that such a piece of garbage is being read and analyzed by some pretty smart women as if Christian Grey were a literary construct worthy of discussion. I CAN'T STAND IT. How can they not see that he - and this book - have less depth than a comic book? (Jughead's character flaws would be more interesting.)
Most disturbing - the abuse factor. Who cares what people do in the bedroom - it's no one's business. But his controlling her life, limiting her contact with friends and family, are the hallmarks of batterers. And her acquiescence in that kind of relationship - which is meant to be "hot" - is typical of abused women. I wonder how real women who have suffered mistreatment at the hands of a partner find this book. Not so sexy, I'm guessing.
And here's my least favorite passage: "It's (the domination and hitting) right for Christian. It's what he wants, and ...after all he's done (bought her a car and first class airfare) I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs."
Whoa! We should put up with men controlling and hitting us as long as they buy us expensive gifts??? What the hell year is this? Gloria Steinem, speak up about this piece of crap book. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On every dimension - artistic, political, psychological - this book is offensive, misogynistic junk, and I wish people would recognize that and shut up about it already!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
New wisdom, new ventures
Last week, I attended a fabulous conference called The Muse and the Marketplace, sponsored by Boston's fantastic Grub Street, "where Boston gets writing."
It was a day of ricocheting from despair to, well, slightly less despair. The first of two purchased sessions with literary agents, to whom I'd submitted my query letter, plot synopsis and first twenty pages, was not a success. She focused mostly on my query letter, giving the book itself short shrift, because she didn't like it.
Then I attended upbeat session on self-publishing, which made it seem both doable and potentially hit-making. But I was brought low by a writer friend who assured me that "it's too much work, and no one makes any money." I rose from the depths listening to the incomparable Ann Hood explain how to edit one's own work. Inspirational and practical both.
The second agent seemed slightly more positive about my work, and also offered some useful advice.
Waiting for a session to begin, I overheard a newbie agent discussing her career change and thrust my query letter upon her...and a few days later she requested my manuscript! I'm sure she has few - or even no- other potential clients, but still....
The romance novel I'm working on with a friend is a hoot, and will compel readers to swoon, daydream, and escape from their quotidian tedium...in droves, we hope.
It was a day of ricocheting from despair to, well, slightly less despair. The first of two purchased sessions with literary agents, to whom I'd submitted my query letter, plot synopsis and first twenty pages, was not a success. She focused mostly on my query letter, giving the book itself short shrift, because she didn't like it.
Then I attended upbeat session on self-publishing, which made it seem both doable and potentially hit-making. But I was brought low by a writer friend who assured me that "it's too much work, and no one makes any money." I rose from the depths listening to the incomparable Ann Hood explain how to edit one's own work. Inspirational and practical both.
The second agent seemed slightly more positive about my work, and also offered some useful advice.
Waiting for a session to begin, I overheard a newbie agent discussing her career change and thrust my query letter upon her...and a few days later she requested my manuscript! I'm sure she has few - or even no- other potential clients, but still....
The romance novel I'm working on with a friend is a hoot, and will compel readers to swoon, daydream, and escape from their quotidian tedium...in droves, we hope.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I'm baaack (redux)
You're asking, "Why, Andi Brown, did you lie to us? You promised you were back, posted one lousy entry, and disappeared again.
Here's why. One night, after imbibing a couple of glasses of wine, and wearing sort of highish heels, I was carrying my elderly dog down the stairs and tripped. This led to a dislocated shoulder, broken bone, and torn rotator cuff. Which led to surgery, three months of pain relieved by narcotics that I feared would lead to addiction. Sum total: three months of hell.
Fast forward. I feel great, and, except for some limited range of motion in my right shoulder, I AM NORMAL. I was lucky to have some wonderful friends and family members who helped me during my recovery/ordeal.
Writing-wise, lots happening. I've purchased critiques by two literary agents via Boston's Grub Street writer's organization. I'll meet them and get their verdicts on May 5th. Do you hear the sound of my teeth chattering?
And...I'm writing a romance novel with a friend. This is also known as whoring for money. Who couldn't use some more? It's a blast, and if nothing else, it's given us tons of laughs.
And last, I'm tweeting! Check me out.
I may reveal a surprise there in a couple of weeks!
Here's why. One night, after imbibing a couple of glasses of wine, and wearing sort of highish heels, I was carrying my elderly dog down the stairs and tripped. This led to a dislocated shoulder, broken bone, and torn rotator cuff. Which led to surgery, three months of pain relieved by narcotics that I feared would lead to addiction. Sum total: three months of hell.
Fast forward. I feel great, and, except for some limited range of motion in my right shoulder, I AM NORMAL. I was lucky to have some wonderful friends and family members who helped me during my recovery/ordeal.
Writing-wise, lots happening. I've purchased critiques by two literary agents via Boston's Grub Street writer's organization. I'll meet them and get their verdicts on May 5th. Do you hear the sound of my teeth chattering?
And...I'm writing a romance novel with a friend. This is also known as whoring for money. Who couldn't use some more? It's a blast, and if nothing else, it's given us tons of laughs.
And last, I'm tweeting! Check me out.
I may reveal a surprise there in a couple of weeks!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I'm baaaack!
You thought I'd abandoned you. I was feeling that I didn't have enough to say. Then yesterday I attended a workshop on "publicizing yourself" for authors, and decided to jump back into the game. Here I am again, live on video (scroll to the end to see me actually speak).
Meanwhile,. I got my Harper Collins review - part encouraging, part moronic. Get ready for the stupid parts:
The setting of Boston... could alienate any non-US audience.
Hello, you idiot at Harper Collins UK - we have zillions more readers here than in your dinky little island nation. And I don't think a British setting hurt U.S. sales of those kids' fantasy books that were popular not too long ago. This one rates a big HUH?
But wait, there's more:
I think the story would work better with a male protagonist than a female heroine. Although it will appeal to some women, the comic style and narrative seems better suited for a male readership rather than a female audience who I think would be a difficult market for the novel.
Let me get this straight. Women don't enjoy humor, so change my funny, witty, smart heroine into a GUY???? DOUBLE HUH??
This reviewer needs a head transplant, though she did also say, The tone is light and witty and there are some truly great descriptions in the narrative which keeps the writing fresh and visual.
At her suggestion, and that of some other agents, I'm rewriting to expand the heroine's background, after which I'll send it to my beloved book doctor again before shopping it around to some agents for the LAST time.
And now, watch me live from my bedroom to yours!
Meanwhile,. I got my Harper Collins review - part encouraging, part moronic. Get ready for the stupid parts:
The setting of Boston... could alienate any non-US audience.
Hello, you idiot at Harper Collins UK - we have zillions more readers here than in your dinky little island nation. And I don't think a British setting hurt U.S. sales of those kids' fantasy books that were popular not too long ago. This one rates a big HUH?
But wait, there's more:
I think the story would work better with a male protagonist than a female heroine. Although it will appeal to some women, the comic style and narrative seems better suited for a male readership rather than a female audience who I think would be a difficult market for the novel.
Let me get this straight. Women don't enjoy humor, so change my funny, witty, smart heroine into a GUY???? DOUBLE HUH??
This reviewer needs a head transplant, though she did also say, The tone is light and witty and there are some truly great descriptions in the narrative which keeps the writing fresh and visual.
At her suggestion, and that of some other agents, I'm rewriting to expand the heroine's background, after which I'll send it to my beloved book doctor again before shopping it around to some agents for the LAST time.
And now, watch me live from my bedroom to yours!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Recommended Reads
While you wait for my Harper Collins editor's review, here are two terrific reads by friends of mine.
Michelle Hoover's The Quickening is a lyrically written and haunting story of life in the rural midwest during the depression. The New Yorker said, "In Hoover's debut, the quiet struggle between two Midwestern farm women has the stark simplicity of a Biblical parable....The book's lament for a lost way of life—one in which people 'looked in hope to the ground and the roots growing there more often than we looked for grace from the sky'—has a mournful beauty."
You can purchase The Quickening on Amazon.
Another friend, Amy Axelrod, has written a funny and poignant story of an unusual childhood, in which the heroine takes solace from a family in turmoil by writing letters featuring her very own fashion designs to first lady Jackie Kennedy. Though aimed primarily at a young adult audience, baby boomer women will be as captivated as I was by Your Friend in Fashion, Abby Shapiro.
Happy reading.
Michelle Hoover's The Quickening is a lyrically written and haunting story of life in the rural midwest during the depression. The New Yorker said, "In Hoover's debut, the quiet struggle between two Midwestern farm women has the stark simplicity of a Biblical parable....The book's lament for a lost way of life—one in which people 'looked in hope to the ground and the roots growing there more often than we looked for grace from the sky'—has a mournful beauty."
You can purchase The Quickening on Amazon.
Another friend, Amy Axelrod, has written a funny and poignant story of an unusual childhood, in which the heroine takes solace from a family in turmoil by writing letters featuring her very own fashion designs to first lady Jackie Kennedy. Though aimed primarily at a young adult audience, baby boomer women will be as captivated as I was by Your Friend in Fashion, Abby Shapiro.
Happy reading.
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